Going into it the first time, I read and read and read every thing I could get my hands on: books, websites, text books, birth stories of all sorts, the midwife archives... The more I read, the more convinced I became that not only was I capable of giving birth naturally, but that I actually wanted to do it. I wanted to do it because I read about how epidurals suppress the flow of hormones that do all sorts of wonderful things for a labouring woman: keep her labour going strongly, supply her with natural pain relief and a last burst of energy to push out her baby and help her to bond with her baby after birth. (Animal research shows that sheep who labour with an epidural reject their newborns and human research bears out the notion that moms with epidurals can be at a disadvantage when it comes to bonding). I read about how the drugs in epidurals cross the placenta to the baby and often cause drowsiness which makes it harder for the baby to latch on after birth.
I read about the side effects some women experience with an epidural: itchiness, headaches, chills, incomplete pain relief (at a time when your natural pain relief has been "turned off") nausea, vomiting, fever, increased risk of post-partum hemorrhage, etc. And those were only the more common, minor ones. More serious (albeit rare) side effects included convulsions, cardiac arrest, respiratory paralysis and maternal death. I also read about long-term effects such as back aches lasting for months and (this alone would cause me to reconsider wanting an epidural had that been my inclination) loss of perineal sensation and sexual function.
I learned that if I chose to have an epidural, I would more likely than not be confined to the bed and have to give birth lying on my back. I don't know why exactly, but I react very strongly and negatively (sometimes to the point of tears) to images of women giving birth on their backs, especially if their feet are up in stirrups. I find this position to be degrading and dehumanizing. It is a position of extreme vulnerability and helplessness and is also completely unnatural as far as giving birth goes, making things far more difficult than they need to be for the mother, although much easier for the doctor.
Given all these drawbacks, epidurals looked less and less appealing to me. Also, I am an idealist and I did want to experience birth in all its gory glory. I hoped to have an experience which was empowering and of which I was in control. I did not want to be at the mercy of anyone else. (Little did I know how much I would be, even without an epidural! I am thankful to have been attended by people fully deserving of my trust, people who would never have taken advantage of my vulnerable state.)
Well, those nine months flew by. I moved across the province for 6 weeks so that I could avoid a hospital birth and I gave birth to Astrid in my old bedroom at my parents' house. I missed two full nights of sleep. I was pushed to my limits. My labour was long; it was hard; it was painful. Far more so than I ever could have imagined. I did what I had set out to do though. The word that best described how I felt immediately afterward was "VICTORIOUS". I couldn't really believe that I had actually done what I'd just done.
As the weeks went by, I realized that I got so much more from an unmedicated birth than just the experience of having done it. I gained a new respect and appreciation for my body. This was a wonderful thing to have when my body was no longer the firm, lean, nicely shaped thing it used to be. I felt very accepting of my "new" body, knowing what it had been capable of, what it had gone through for me and my daughter. I learned that contrary to how I had often seen myself, I was powerful, I was strong, I was capable. Again, these are wonderful things to believe about yourself as you navigate the uncharted territory of new parenthood. I feel that my birth gave me a huge boost of confidence in those early, uncertain days.
As far as control goes, I learned a lot. Giving birth naturally gave me control in some ways, but it taught me to completely surrender control in others. This lesson of balance between control and surrender was reinforced almost daily once I was a mother. My birth prepared me for it well.
After my first experience of giving birth at home without drugs, I knew that I would never have it any other way. My second birth was absolutely wonderful. I was surprised -shocked, really- by how easy it was compared to the first time. My body knew what to do. I felt connected to my baby the whole time. I was able to reach down and help maneuver her into just the right position to ease her entrance into the world, into her daddy's hands, making it such an easy birth on my body. None of this would have been possible with an epidural.
My third birth was harder and more painful than my second, but it was the one in which I most fully got to experience the power of my body. I gave birth to August standing up and was able to give myself over to my body 100% for the first time. It was amazing!
The reason it bothers me that more women do not want to give birth without pain medication, or are non-commital about it at best, is that I feel like they are missing out. I don't deny that there are all sorts of birth experiences and that many of them are positive. But I have not yet met a woman who has experienced both types of birth (medicated vs. natural) and felt that the medicated one was the better of the two. (An exception to this would be women who wanted an epidural the first time and couldn't have one for whatever reason). I want women to know the exultation of giving birth. The wonder of it. The empowerment. The joy. I don't think these things exist in quite the same way when you are medicated.
I also don't deny that the day you give birth is only just one day. It's not the be all and end all. It is the start of a life-long journey. In that sense, it's like a wedding. And a crappy or mediocre wedding does not mean the rest of your marriage will be crappy or mediocre. But who wouldn't rather have a good wedding to look back on? Who doesn't want that day to be special and important and to set the tone for what is to come? Who doesn't want it to be all that it possibly could be? (I must add that I feel giving birth is a more significant event than is a wedding in many ways - I could probably write a whole LONG post about it. Suffice it to say, I have spoken with women who feel bitter and traumatized about their birth experiences many years after the fact. I have never heard such feelings expressed about a less than stellar wedding.)
Women are STRONG! They are POWERFUL! Their bodies are AMAZING! They are CAPABLE! And every day they sell themselves short. They live in fear. They believe themselves to be weak and unable to deal with pain. They believe they need to be rescued. They don't realize that they have within them the resources to go through hardship and difficulties on their own. This makes me sad.
I want to be able to embrace what life brings me. I want never to be controlled by others, but to be able to surrender control to God and to the forces of nature. I want not to be afraid. I want to have confidence in myself, knowing that I have the resources within me to get through anything. I want these things for all women. I believe that birth is a good place to start. This is my passion. This is what I really care about. This is what I believe in.
10 comments:
absolutely beautifully put. i have had both medical and non-medical births...by far my home birth was the most amazing experience i've ever had. period. and i would give birth again and again (though i don't think that's in our plans) if it could be like that home birth experience every time. non-medicated.
well said rach! very motivational :) you're going to be a good doula someday. even a good midwife if you decide to do so :D
You're so eloquent, Rachel. :)
When I went for my ultrasound with Jordan and they told me that my amniotic fluid levels were low and I'd have to be admitted and induced, I cried. I really didn't want a repeat of what happened with Brianna's birth. We were lucky enough to have a doctor there that night who respected midwives, though, and Karen was allowed to attend the birth as long as I stayed in the hospital. It is so strange to some people when I describe Jordan's birth as relaxing and intimate, but that's what it was. It was just me, Scott and Karen in the room for the night and I didn't even feel like I was in a hospital. I was so scared to have my water broken because that was when I couldn't tolerate the pain with Brianna's birth and opted for an epidural, but this last time around since I was labouring naturally it was different. She had to break my water and the pain didn't become unbearable; it continued to come on gradually. I tell people that unmedicated birth is really not that bad and they look at me like I'm crazy. It hurt, yes. It hurt a lot. I even had back labour with Jordan and not Brianna.
Also, even though I had planned a home birth, being at the hospital with a midwife was actually nice. It was good to have some of the conveniences like a big shower, unlimited absorbent pads, and the mechanical bed that I used to deliver on my knees because I could rest my head and arms on the end of it. And I was home within a few hours of the birth.
(Sorry...I rambled a bit, but I was trying to pack a lot in there without taking up a lot of space)
Marlene
I love your heart and your passion. Thanks for sharing them.
Sharon
Yep - there is a lot of power in knowing you can do that. I fully agree, and am thankful that I was not scared to find that out.
Shannon C
Due to the fact I gave birth twice naturally at home I feel now that I am soo strong I really can anything physical. There will be 100mile foot race in my future, I can do an ironman. Those both are second fiddle to birth.
your post is intriguing...... I admire your decision to have non-medicated birth, unfortuately not all of us can - thank goodness for epidurals, since i had to have a c-section, i could alteast hear my child come into the world, and that thing about not bonding cause of an epidural well that pure horse s***
Dear anonymous, I would never claim (nor have I ever read) that moms and babies don't bond because of epidurals. So, I agree: that is horse shit. But it is not horse shit that epidurals have an impact on bonding. This is not to say that they prevent it from happening, but that they can make it more difficult. They can slow down the process. They can affect how mothers see their babies months after the birth. If you don't believe this, read the literature. Look up studies. If you've only ever given birth by c-section or with an epidural, you have nothing to compare with. Talk to a mom who has done both. Many of them will tell you the bonding process is different. Some will even tell you that their bond with their children born naturally vs. those born with medication is different throughout life. It's not that they don't love each child just as much (love is different than bonding) but the deepness and tightness of the bond is different.
I am also thankful that women having c-sections can have epidurals rather than general anaesthetic (in most cases). Clearly an epidural is a much better option in this situation. But I think that the majority of c-sections being preformed are unnecessary. And that's a whole other post!
You said to the last poster, "If you've only ever given birth by c-section or with an epidural, you have nothing to compare with." But YOU have nothing to compare with either b/c you've only gone med free -- so you cannot, from your own experience, compare the "deepness and tightness" of YOUR bond with an "epidural" baby to YOUR bond with a "natural" baby.
I can.
For child #1 I had an epidural for an emergency c-section ; then for #2 I had a meds-free vaginal birth.
They were very different experiences physically and in terms of recovery -- but the bonding and love were NO DIFFERENT.
I agree with your suggestion that women often sell themselves short when it comes to whether they can deliver med-free. But much of your post and most of your reply to the previous poster is just dreams, ideals, opinions, and speculations. To claim that women bond less with babies they've had with epidurals -- and to claim that simply because you are proud of yourself -- is preposterous, guilt-inducing, and hurtful.
Dear anonymous, You are right that I cannot compare the two experiences first hand, as I have only ever given birth vaginally without medication. All I have to go on are stories I have heard from other women and ones I have read, as well as research I have looked at. So what I share in that regard is second hand information. Sorry if I did not make that clear. And, obviously, no two experiences are the same and I in no way meant to imply that ALL women who use medication will experience difficulty with bonding. I am glad that the bonding process was the same for you in each of your two very different birth experiences.
I DO feel proud of myself for giving birth the way I did because it was HARD and I had never considered myself to be a very physically capable or strong woman. But that is not why I wrote what I wrote. The last thing I want is to make anyone feel guilty. And I apologize wholeheartedly if I have. I want deeply for women to feel good about themselves and to love themselves for who they are. My experience and that of many other women I have talked to leads me to believe that natural childbirth can foster this self-acceptance and that is why I feel so passionately about it. It is not to toot my own horn. I simply wish for others the wonderful, empowering experience that I have had. I hope that by sharing my experience, as well as information I have gleaned in my years of reading on this topic, that I can perhaps inspire women to try something they might not have otherwise believed they could do. It is always a tricky thing when you are trying to encourage someone to do something that works for you and that you believe in because people who have already done it another way often take it as a slam against them or as guilt-inducing. Again, I do not wish to make anyone feel guilty. But I don't want to have to censor my passion about what I have experienced and about the ideas I have formed based on reading I have done.
The idea that how you give birth can have an impact on bonding is, unfortunately, not just dreams, ideals, opinions and speculations, though. This topic has been studied and researched. I encourage you to look it up if you're at all interested. The work of Michel Odent is a good place to start.
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